Tuesday, 2 May 2017

How to communicate with your significant other when arguing! (part 2)

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Whether we call it a heated discussion, disagreement, or fight, arguing with someone we love is never easy. It can leave us feeling upset, frustrated, and even guilty about things we wish we had never said. Try as we might to avoid it, conflict is inevitable in any close relationship. However, there are things we can do to communicate more effectively while making sure we respect our partner’s feelings and, ultimately, make an argument feel a little more constructive.

We published the first part of this article a while ago[HERE], here is the second part of it.

 Avoid bringing others into the mix

When we’re feeling frustrated or misunderstood, it’s only natural to want to call for backup. It might be tempting to say things like “I’m not the only one who feels this way” or “My friends also think you are …”. When we use others to reinforce our point, our partner can feel like we are ganging up on him or her and it can create additional conflict with those involved. It also gives the impression that our perspective isn’t enough, which can actually make us feel even more powerless.

Monitor and manage your anger

Even the best of us have trouble communicating effectively when emotions are running high. That’s why it’s a good idea to do everything we can to avoid reaching a state where we’ll say something we’ll regret or distract from the point we’re trying to get across. It’s perfectly okay (and sometimes even preferable) to remove ourselves from a situation when we notice ourselves becoming increasingly angry or upset.

Sometimes, we might hold back from expressing our thoughts because we’re afraid to stir up conflict, but over time these pent-up feelings can cause us to lash out in unexpected ways.

There’s a big difference between walking away to be avoidant or passive aggressive, and removing oursleves with the intention of returning when we can interact in a more productive way. Letting our partner know that we need a time out, and taking the time to self-soothe with whatever we need to calm down (e.g., going for a walk, listening to music, taking a bath), allows us to continue the conversation when we’re in a better place to really engage and connect.

Recognize your partner’s efforts

When we’re in the middle of an argument, it sometimes helps to remind ourselves of the things our partner does that makes us feel supported. Acknowledging these things out loud and expressing our appreciation for our partner can be an important step in creating a more constructive and respectful conversation. Reinforcing the behaviors we find helpful is typically much more effective than criticizing the things that upset us.

Know your right to have your feelings heard

Sometimes, we might hold back from expressing our thoughts or feelings because we’re afraid to stir up conflict. Over time, these pent-up feelings can actually cause us to lash out in unexpected ways or at surprising times. Recognizing how helpful it can be to actually express our thoughts and feelings can help us avoid unnecessary arguments in the long run.

Try to not go to bed angry

The age-old advice really is true. While it isn’t always possible to resolve the issue right then and there, making amends before falling asleep can help us make sure we’re not left with negative thoughts and feelings that build over time. Getting a good night sleep can also reduce future conflicts by helping us to better manage our emotions and continue the conversation in a constructive way going forward. Before falling asleep, take a moment to remind each other you likely both have similar goals and that you’re on the same team.

Written by Miriam Kirmayer
Source: theeverygirl.com
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